Practical Penumbra

Blegging!

So I signed up for a Facebook account so that I could see some pictures that my brother had posted there and found not only that some of my friends from college, 4 of my 6 siblings, and 5 of my nieces had accounts, but ALSO that there was a cool game called FarmVille, to which I am now addicted.

So if any of you all play FV, please let me know, because I only have 2 neighbors, and you can only get all the really cool trees and animals as "gifts" from other farmers....

Here's a Riddle

An English Major riddle that I learned when I was in college:

A Repertory company was doing a series of 7 Shakespearian plays, but didn't have enough room on the marquee to list all the titles. So, they abbreviated them like this:

Which plays were they performing? (The answer is below the fold)

Alls Well That Ends Well/Love's Labor's Lost
A Midsummer's Night's Dream/The Twelfth Night
Much Ado About Nothing/As You Like It/The Taming of the Shrew

Signs of the times?

Actual sign I saw on the way home from work:

My brother once saw one that said:

What about it? Have you seen any that made you chuckle all the way home?

Math Made Easy?

A Nerd? Moi?

From Physics Geek via Harvey in the comments to this post:

I couldn't resist

Found here, whence I landed via here and here...

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Venerable Lady Susie the Naive of Goosnargh Leering Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Here's Pixy's:

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Grand Duke Andrew the Laconic of Withering Glance Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

*Giggle* I better stop before I do everyone I've ever met...

Pop Quiz

So, what's your favorite Christmas movie? Mine is The Ref.

Blogfiller...

Harvey tagged me, and for once I'm grateful because it gives me something to blog about....

5 things in my fridge:
* Half a half gallon of 2% milk
* A quarter of a gallon of Arizona iced tea
* 4 eggs
* Vicks Nyquil (it tastes better cold)
* 11 packets of Taco Bell mild taco sauce

5 things in my closet:
* A wool blanket
* My late aunt's suitcase
* A jewelry box
* Yarn
* My childhood Barbies

5 things in my purse:
* Avon lipstick (Always Rose)
* Avon blush (Mauve)
* Wrigley's Spearmint chewing gum
* Pocket knife
* Tylenol

5 things in my car:
* Blanket
* Pillow
* Umbrella
* Flashlight
* Motor oil

5 people I want to torture with this meme:

* GEBIV
* Boudicca
* Tuning Spork
* Ted
* Kyer

Pastafarians Unite!

I have decided to convert to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, largely due to the following irrefutable evidence about global warming:

All Praise His Noodly Appendages!

This will keep me entertained for hours...

(Thanks to my brother PK.)

Now I'm thirsty....

One of the compensations of checking Alliance applicants for membership compliance is I get to read a lot of blogs I may not have stumbled over otherwise. Sometimes I find cool stuff!

You Are Guinness

You know beer well, and you'll only drink the best beers in the world. Watered down beers disgust you, as do the people who drink them. When you drink, you tend to become a bit of a know it all - especially about subjects you don't know well. But your friends tolerate your drunken ways, because you introduce them to the best beers around.

Thanks to Res at 704 Houser Street

Western Redundancy Theater

Got an email from my brother....

Saturday I saw a sign in front of some church that read "The DaVinci Code: Fact or Fiction?" and listed the meeting time to debate the issue.

So I screamed out the window...
"FICTION! It's a fictional book! Next..."

In the same spirit, I propose the following equally-valid topics for public debate:

- 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan' - Fact or Fiction?

- Deciphering 'Everybody Loves Raymond'

- 'King Kong' - Real or Hoax?

- Unleashing the secrets behind The-Texas-Double-Whopper.

- Did Mrs. Doubtfire secretly give birth? - The Truth Revealed

and finally...

- James Bond or The Bionic Woman: Who will save YOU?

Anybody else have any earth-shattering topics that just cry out for a public forum? Please feel free to drop them in the comments, and let's see if we can solve any "unsolved mysteries"....

Java Jones

I need this picture on a posters, tee shirts and coffee mugs!

Harvey knew immediately it would speak to me, and my gratitude to him for dedicating it to me is tempered only by my annoyance that he's decided to make a meme of it!

So, I will dedicate it to my blogless brother PK who, like me, is incapable of social interaction of any kind prior to that first cup of dark elixir, and to my niece Mary Elizabeth (who was introduced to the delightful beverage at the age of three--albeit in a ratio of one tablespoon of coffee to half a cup of milk and two teaspoons sugar--by her Aunt Susie).

Wow! I wonder how many other memes I can kill in the future by tagging non-bloggers?

You Grow

My dear friend Harvey has decided to be a little more "honest" in his blogging. It's about time, pal!

Lame Post #42

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a tempered, reasonable way of thinking. You tend to take every new idea in, and meld it with your world view. For you, everything is always changing. Each moment is different. Your thinking process tends to be very natural - with no beginnings or endings.

Thanks to Night Rider for pointing me to this quiz!

I'm not dead yet!

...just been keeping my self entertained thanks to Pixy and Harvey.

From Pixy, The Brick Testament (some of it definitely NSFW) and via Harvey, the link to the link to my new True Love.

Free samples! Naughty (for Harvey). Nice (for Pixy).

I might get this a little better if I'd ever watched the show...

Via the always delightful and frequently puzzling Pixy Misa:

At least Bruce Boxleitner is a cutie...

Tomorrow's Cookie Fortune

I had to scan it, cuz I figured y'all would think I was making it up!

Today's Cookie Fortune

Attitudes are the forerunners of conditions.

And Margaritas are the forerunners of hangovers...

Nice legs, by the way

It's not exactly a secret that I enjoy ogling viewing men in kilts, so I was only mildly surprised to get an email from Glenn Reynolds saying that he was attaching a photo of himself in a kilt as a bribe to let him re-join The Alliance of Free Blogs.

Only....since when does Evil Glenn have a beard? Is it one of those Star Trek tragic transporter accident parallel universe things?

I want to join the Bad Example Clan because

♥ I have been reading Harvey's blog since he entered the New Blog Showcase in 2 B.W. (Before Wonkette).

♥ I am desperately jealous of all the attention he lavishes on his blog children

♥ I love the color blue

♥ I hate meeting people I don't know, but bloggers are never people you don't know

♥ I love men in kilts, and tartans always remind me of kilts

♥ I didn't have anything else to post about today, and this seemed like an excellent way to get the date filled in on my blog calendar

Now I just have to find a few Bad Example Family Members to vouch for my character....There's always a catch, isn't there?

Today's Cookie Fortune

There is no greater cure for misery than hard work.

Unless work is causing the misery, in which case beer, and lots of it, is the greatest cure....

Today's Cookie Fortune

You will lighten another's heart.

Hmm...by stealing an aorta or two?

Harvey did me...

Er, did it to me...Yes, he tagged me, and not in a nice way. It's the dreaded Four Things, and today's victim is yours truly.

Let's get this over with, shall we?

Four Jobs I've Had in My Life:

substitute teacher
fast food clerk
secretary/receptionist
inventory person (inventorier?)

Four Movies (only four?) I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have:

My Blue Heaven
What About Bob?
The Blues Brothers
A Night at the Roxbury

Four Places I Have Lived:

Menomonee Falls, WI
Joliet, IL
Secret Undisclosed Location, IN
...I'm still too young to have lived anywhere else yet...

Four TV Shows I used to Love to Watch back when I watched television:

Magnum, P.I.
Hill Street Blues
Simon & Simon
Remington Steele

Four Places I Have Been on Vacation:

Springfield, IL
Toronto, Canada
Duluth, MN
La Crosse, WI

Four Websites I Visit Daily:

Neopets
Bad Example
Ambient Irony
Practical Penumbra

Four Favorite Foods:

Broiler Rock Lobster Tail
Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo
Michelob Amber Bock
Veal Parmigiana

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now:

Milwaukee, WI
Sydney, Australia
Duluth, MN (Ok, maybe not right now, but come June...)
Reno, NV

Four One People Person I Am Tagging With This Meme:

Pixy Misa

Today's Cookie Fortune

This is a time for caution, but not for fear.

Whew! I misread it! Because there's always a time for beer....

Today's Cookie Fortune

You are going to have a very comfortable old age.

In the meantime, get used to bras that don't fit quite right....

Today's Cookie Fortune

Although it feels like a roller coaster now, life will calm down.

....as long as it's not the Tilt-A-Whirl next, I probably won't throw up.....

Today's Cookie Fortune

Prudence keeps life safe, but does not often make it happy.

That's why my bodyguard's name is Jack...

First in a new series....*

Today's Cookie Fortune:

What you forgive today will be your compensation tomorrow.

Thinks it's trying to tell me that tomorrow's paycheck is gonna bounce, too?

*Actual fortunes from actual cookies that accompanied actual Chinese food

Harvey Made Me Do It

I'm supposed to blog about 5 weird habits that I may have, or the meme gods'll get me.

There's a problem here--I'm completely normal! Good Lord, doesn't everyone fall asleep to a Disney DVD playing on the TV?* And I'm sure it's quite common for people to sing "I'm just a little black rain cloud" when driving in bad road conditions. I know it isn't at all unusual for people who enjoy Chinese food to eat the entrée using chopsticks, but the fired rice with a spoon--not that I've ever seen anyone else doing that, but it's so logical it must be quite common!

Furthermore, I would be very upset if anyone were to suggest there was anything weird about my tendency to eat my french fries with tarter sauce (or mayo or ranch salad dressing). Granted, there are some folks who use ketchup as a dipping sauce for their potatoes, but those are probably the same ones who grew up eating ketchup on [*shudder*] scrambled eggs! (And we won't even start on people who spell it "catsup"....)

Ok, I will admit that I do have one habit that might be considered unusual--but weird? pshaw! However, in the interests of satisfying Harv's tag I suppose I must reveal it: When I set my alarm clock, the minute time must be an odd number, preferably ending in a 3 or a 7 (7:03, 8:27) but absolutely NEVER a 5....

These things always require more victims, although usually my tagees manage to ignore the tag and still sleep at night. Now THAT'S weird...
Anyway, I curse nominate Bob, Pixy, Jim, Victor and Ted. And if they do happen to have any weird habits and aren't afraid of blackmail, perhaps they will play along....

* and by this I don't mean that I fall asleep when watching Disney movies. I mean that in order to fall asleep I need to watch a Disney movie...

From the email joke file

Two blondes were working outdoors for the City public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind and refill the hole. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So the onlooker asked the hole-digger, "I don't get it. Why do you two dig a hole, only to fill it right-up again?"

The hole-digger sighed and replied, "Well, we're normally a three-person team, but the person who plants the trees called in sick today."

Happy Halloween!

Found via Ted :

You can make your own here.

Found at Pixy's

I showed mine, now you show yours

I guess since Halloween is a Monday Holiday this year, that makes this Halloween Weekend....which is why Chris of Dangerous Logic is setting up The Carnival of Costumes.

I don't have any pictures of this year's costume (yet) but here's a Ghost of Halloweens Past.

I need to practice my flying spin kick

Since the Halloween store was out of Dominatrix Barbie costumes, I decided to go Medieval--Princess Fiona (hey, I found a green velvet dress--what else could I do?). Now I just need an auburn wig with a long braid, and maybe a couple of broasted weed-rats on a stick... (Sorry, Victor!)

Sounds like it's from a fortune cookie....

How Compatible Are You?
Our highly complex set of computer algorithms has determined you to be:

I'm a Betty!

You're Betty Grable!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Harv << Oddybobo

Fine as Pig Hair

So I found this quiz at Pixy's, but folks---a frog???? Cute???? Please.....

You Are A: Frog!

Independent yet still part of a large community, frogs are unique creatures known for their distinctive sound and ability to hop. As a frog, you spend your days sitting on lily pads or climbing trees, searching for delicious insects to eat. While there are some frogs that aren't exactly cute, you are certainly not one of those!

You were almost a: Pony or a Duckling
You are least like a: Monkey or a SquirrelCute Animal Test!

I think I'll also put this in the sidebar...

I'm also the one people call when they want to know the name of the movie they're watching on tv when they can't find the cable guide

Found via The Gray Tie:

You speak eloquently and have seemingly read every
book ever published. You are a fountain of
endless (sometimes useless) knowledge, and
never fail to impress at a party.
What people love: You can answer almost any
question people ask, and have thus been
nicknamed Jeeves.
What people hate: You constantly correct their
grammar and insult their paperbacks.

What Kind of Elitist Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm naked under my clothes

Well, this is blog entry # 1501!

Harvey suggests I blog about blogging braless again, but really, what else is there to say? I'm typing, and I'm not wearing a bra, and my arms are pressing my braless breasts together slightly as I type. The turquoise satin nightie I'm wearing has a deep V of lace that is fairly see-through in the cleavage area. It is not at all chilly today, so there is nothing perky to be observed adjacent to the lace.

How was that, Harv?

Bad Example Bad Boy's Birthday Bash

Happy Birthday Harv! With Belated Felicitations to Ted and Early Greetings to Pixy:

This one's for the gals

Happy Birthday, Jen! Enjoy!

From the email joke file:

In the extended entry for those with page-loading issues....

Click the link

This is hilarious...

Breaking News

An ABC news poll shows that the media are not yet completely successful in convincing Americans that Hurricane Katrina is President Bush's fault.

Shoes are pretty expensive, too...

The cluelessness of some folks never ceases to amuse me. My brother told me that there is a petition to President Bush to lower gasoline prices going around his workplace.

I hadn't realized that the President was in charge of that sort of thing. Silly me, I was under the impression that market forces and supply and demand and the greedy greedy big greedy corporations determined the prices of consumer goods, not the President.

Now that I know, I have a petition of my own:

Dear President Bush,

Please lower college textbook prices.

Thanks!

Hey, that was easy! How long should I give him to do that? A couple days?

Our dichotomy opens the combat

If you need a good laugh to start your day, check out this post over at RHOG. Make sure you follow the link to the Star Wars Episode III screen shots with re-translated subtitles.

That reminds me of a story I read in college. Some folks were trying to develop a computer program that would translate English and Russian. They figured the best way to test its accuracy was to translate a phrase, then feed in the result to be translated back. They entered the English quote "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." Then they took the resulting Russian phrase and fed it back in to be translated into English. The computer spit out: "the wine is ok, but the meat has gone bad."

I wonder if that experiment resulted in Babelfish....

I really wanted to be the Temple of Artemis

Take the quiz: "Which of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World are You? (pics)"

You are the Colossus of Rhodes!
The Colossus of Rhodes statue with its pedestal was as tall as a modern 15-story building and was built on the island of Rhodes around 280 BC.

a quiz by catz-eyes

All of the possible quiz results for this quiz:

* You are the Colossus of Rhodes! (You scored 2)
* You are the Pyramid of Khufu! (You scored 2)
* You are the Hanging Gardens of Babylon! (You scored 0)
* You are the Temple of Artemis! (You scored 0)
* You are the Statue of Zeus at Olympia! (You scored 2)
* You are the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus! (You scored 0)
* You are the Lighthouse of Alexandria! (You scored 0)

Abracadabra!

You are the Temple of Artemis!
The Temple of Artemis boasted over 100 marble columns, each more than 50 ft in height. The structure covered an area several times larger than the Acropolis.
It was built around 600 BC, but was burned down about 550 AD, before being rebuilt into a larger and more magnificent version. It was destroyed again in 336 BC by an arsonist. It was again rebuilt, even bigger and better than before, and with the exception of the timber-supported roof, the new Temple of Artemis was made almost entirely of marble. It was decorated with sculptures and artworks created by leading artists.
Invading Goths severely damaged it in 262 AD. It wasn't rebuilt again.

All of the possible quiz results for this quiz:

* You are the Colossus of Rhodes! (You scored 1)
* You are the Pyramid of Khufu! (You scored 0)
* You are the Hanging Gardens of Babylon! (You scored 0)
* You are the Temple of Artemis! (You scored 2)
* You are the Statue of Zeus at Olympia! (You scored 1)
* You are the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus! (You scored 1)
* You are the Lighthouse of Alexandria! (You scored 1)

Party!

Victor's gone and he's left the liquor cabinet unlocked...Who wants an "After 5"?

See you at the witching hour...

The Bad Example/Frizzen Sparks Family Drunken Blog Crawl is scheduled to begin at 7pm tonight (when I am locked away far from my computer in the murky dungeons tower of the theater, chained to movie projectors older than I am) and last until 7am tomorrow morning.

Although I was not spawned by either of these fine gentlemen, and never drink on a work night (a lesson learned from my undergrad days when I drank on many a school night) I intend to crash the crawl (in a shameful state of sobriety) once freed of my shackles, so I may laugh and point at the antics of the inebriated.

Since there's no logo for Crawl Crashers, I am usurping the one for the Designated Drivers:
If you want to crash, too--or just lurk and make snide comments--Harvey has blogrolled all the members of the extended families at his place.

Which way is Valhalla?

Your Viking Personality: You're a fearsome Viking, but you aren't completely uncivilized. The other Vikings make fun of you for that.

You might grumble a bit at the lack of amenities on board a Viking longboat, but you can handle it. Other Vikings would consider you "one of the guys" if you were a guy. (But even though you're a woman, they still think you're all right.)

Self Portrait

I found this thing at Harvey's on his sidebar, and constructed my face:

The Xs in my ears have always embarrassed me....

Bonfire #107

What do bloggers do when we find we have written a post so bad it makes us cringe that we even hit "publish"? Why, we Burn It !!!

Stealing Borrowing the idea from last week's host, I put on my official Harry Potter sorting hat and separated the good, the bad and the ugly:

25% of all Bonfire submissions are too good to be burned
But not this one, by northstar.

I really enjoyed this--wasn't there anything worse?
Mustang 23 shares the contents of his care package. Darth Tater rocks!

The Devil Harvey quotes scripture for his purpose.

CrankyBeach has a close encounter with an "efficiency expert."

Could be worse--could be raining
Jewboy says goodbye to a devoted companion (with a photo of the deceased from happier times).

Kevin of Technogypsy submits his Dumpling Recipe--I think he might have the wrong carnival...

Trying to be funny and failing abysmally
Spirit Fingers meets trench mouth....

Ferdinand T. Cat attempts a podcast. Yes, inability to speak human does present problems.

Brian J. Noggle offers advice to prospective parents. Don't Listen!!!!!

Russ finds amusement in disease and death--luckily, the rest of us are normal...

a4g alerts us to a change at Drudge--who says "greener" isn't better?

Don't look, Ethel!
Beth should be pilloried for her post. My God, Woman--have you no compassion?

Rusty sneakily submits someone else's post...personally I think he should have just deleted it!

Thankfully, my eyes glazed over
Mad Anthony makes some point about coffee causing grafitti--or maybe it was the other way 'round....

Tigerhawk fisks a news conference. That's not even as exciting as it sounds....

nikita demosthenes, not satisfied by posting about the subject in the comments on other people's blogs, tries to start a discussion on his own blog...Who's this Plume woman, anyway?

Rick Moran even asks his readers what in the Sam Hill he's blogging about, so I guess I can be forgiven when I answer, "Sorry, Rick, I don't know!"

Who cares?
Two Dogs offers deep political insight on the difference between Left and Right Wing--not!

Wunderkraut blogs a tantrum--his own.

Speaking of tantrums, Leather Penguin shares his "white hot rage" with the blogosphere. This bonfire is hot enough, thank you!

Kevin of Technogypsy doesn't spend all of his time cooking--in this post he blogs a day trip. At least the pictures are nice....

William Teach posted a quiz. Sheesh, Bill--get a life, so you have something to blog badly about!

Worst in Show
Sean Hackbarth blogs something about something else--I can't figure it out....

Just to prove that I know a really bad post when I read one
I urge you to avoid clicking the link to my submission this week...

Upcoming Bonfire Stops:

Week 108 (July 26) - Soldiers' Angel - Holly Aho (url:http://www.sablogs.com/)

Week 109 (Aug 2) - Crystal Clear (url: http://crystal.typepad.com/)

Week 110 (Aug 9) - WunderKraut (url: http://wunderkraut.com/)

Want to play? Send a link to your worst post along with any self serving excuses or clever self mocking to: bonfire-at-wizbangblog.com.

Sunday String Fling

I seem to be at a loss for blogging inspiration. Yes, I got to work, but I don't feel like sharing my tribulations today. The weather does not inspire me. I couldn't find a quiz that I wanted to post. I don't feel like talking about politics or the news. I don't even have any email jokes to share. What does a blogger do in this sort of situation? Make fun of search strings, of course!

tom cruise hate sites... I wouldn't call this a "hate site" per se....
Bottomless with No Underwear...Can you say redundant??? Hmmmm....must be this post
what to do for a broken pinkie toe... I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on my blog
karl rove is kute... excuse me?
air conditioning fuse for 2005 vw beatle... say whaaat?????
going commando pantie... this post again
mom pisses in the toilet with the door open... Good Lord! I'm #4 for that search!
"valerie plame" wifey ...how did that one point to me? must've been the misdirected comment on this post...

Well, that's enough fun for one day...

White Trash Wednesday

When I first saw this car, I knew I had to post a picture of it for White Trash Wednesday:

Happy Blogiversary Frank!

Indeed.

Four shalt thou not count....

I think everyone already knows that blogger Frank J. of IMAO is an engineer in real life, despite the fact that he cannot do basic mathematical calculations without removing his shoes.

What everyone didn't know (until now) is that before Frank got engaged to Sarah K. he wasn't very particular about who he dated, as the photoshopic evidence in the extended entry proves....

Yes! Frank J. dated Paris Hilton!

----------
This fillthy lie about Frank J. was brought to you at the behest of the Alliance of Free Blogs: Keeping the Blogosphere supplied with its recommended weekly allowance of filthy lies since August 2003....
----------

Happy 3rd Blogiversary, Frank!

Lame Post #87

Your IQ Is 120

Your Logical Intelligence is Above Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Above Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

I blame my low score on lack of coffee....

(Snagged from Victor, who is smarter than me...)

Machelle Hates Me ;)

How do I know? Because she tagged me with the "5 Things" meme....

5 Things That Society At Large Enjoys That I Don't Get

#5 Cable Television--I can't afford cable or a dish.

Oh, wait!!!! 5 Things I don't understand why others enjoy.....Okay.

#5 Sushi--why do people eat bait? I don't get it.

#4 Pajamas as outerwear--what's up with that? I don't get it.

#3 Double Mocha Frappuccino with a Twist--don't these people like coffee? I don't get it.

#2 Basketball--yes, I live in Indiana, but Hoosier Hysteria needs treated with Valium or something. I don't get it.

#1 "Reality" TV shows--everything from Survivor to Judge Judy. What's the fascination? I don't get it.

Now I'm supposed to "tag" some other people, but I'm still waiting for responses from the last time I did the meme thing, so I'm going to break the chain, and hope my currently bad luck doesn't get any worse....However, if you'd like to be tagged, just volunteer in my comments and I'll see what I can do...

UPDATE: Speaking of things I don't get--journalists' terminology.
Title of the article: "Afghan Forces Find Bodies of 76 Rebels." Ok, I understand that.
In the text of the article: "In all, a total of 178 militants have been killed and 56 suspected insurgents have been captured..."
So we are killing "militants," capturing "insurgents," and finding the bodies of "rebels." I guess there must be a scorecard somewhere--or maybe they can tell the difference from their uniforms...

Call to Arms

It occurs to me that we Munuvians are not doing our part to ensure a timely take-over of the blogosphere. I mean, here we are, probably the largest blogging community on earth not bankrolled by a corporation, and every single one of us links to every other single one of us, and munu was not even a blip on Sobriquet Magazine's radar. Hey, we fit his criteria for "link doping": we don't share a common blogging topic of interest, like the military or God, and we link the heck out of each other with a handy blogrolling code that's available either alphabetically or chronologically. Yet, tragically, he focused his criticisms on the joke-that-wouldn't-die instead.

Rise up, Munuviana! Demand our badge of infamy! Badger Pixy to enroll us as one of the Communities at the Ecosystem. We have nothing to lose but our obscurity!

(Cross posted at Munuviana)

Bill Collection

Jennifer has declared this "Bill" Week. Got your back, homegirl.

A Scathingly Brilliant Idea!

Some of my male readers will be devastated to hear that I have a load of laundry in the washer as I type. I do, however, now have an idea what to get Harvey for his blogiversary.

I hear by declare June 21st, 2005 the official Blogosphere "Go Commando Day"! That's right, ladies--in honor of Harv's second anniversary of blogging I urge all his female readers to eschew underwear on June 21st.

Make sure you stop by his blog that day and tell him about it. But, be warned! Knowing Harvey, I suspect he'll want pictures...

Because I work 12 hours today all I have time to post is a quiz

you are the kiss me icon

What MSN Icon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

...and your giant invisible Pooka, too!

The Movie meme:

1) The number of DVD's I own: I just counted them, and I have 188, but that doesn't include the ones out on loan to various family members and friends. Call it 200, on the low side. I didn't count my VHS tapes, because there are at least 3 times as many.

2) The last DVD I bought:Team America - World Police

3) The last DVD I watched: The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

4) Five movies that I watch a lot (in no particular order) that mean a lot to me:
Finding Nemo
What About Bob?
My Blue Heaven
Down Periscope
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

5) Tag 5 other people with this Meme... Gosh, I feel so...evil!!!!
Tuning Spork of Blather Review
Ted of Rocket Jones
Patriot Xeno of Right Hand of God
Tiger of Read My Lips
Victor of Publius & Co (to give him something other than rats to blog about) and
Jim of Snooze Button Dreams

Ooops...that's six! Oh, well...at least this way we'll see who reads me, won't we?

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?*

*He walks around saying "Yo."

Due to popular demand, I am going to share a few more of the pearls of wisdom my friend Kate sent me. Some of the racier ones will be in the extended entry. I hope everyone will find at least one of these offensive...

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What's the difference between a porcupine and the BMV? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

And here's a special one in honor of White Trash Wednesday:

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?*

My bestest friend from college sent me a graduation card and gift (Thank you, Kate!) in honor of my achieving my MS. It's funny--she studied Government and I studied English back in the day, and now she's an architect and I'm a manager. Youth is so wasted on the young....

Anyway, she also included a handy reference guide for me, some of which were:

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why did OJ Simpson move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.

What's the difference between a northern zoo and a southern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

How do you get a sweet little 80 year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80 year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides...

If none of these offended you, there are plenty more--only I can't post them because I would lose my "PG" rating!

* A different bar.

I'm a what?

Once again, hijacked from Pixy:

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. Cultural Creative 100% Modernist 63% Idealist 63% Existentialist 56% Postmodernist 50% Romanticist 31% Materialist 25% Fundamentalist 13% What is Your World View? (corrected...again) created with QuizFarm.com

Athough, if I'd understood some of the questions, I'd probably have gotten a different result....

Raindrops on Roses

One day when it was agonizingly slow at work, the kids decided to entertain themselves by making lists of their favorite things. They let me play, too, and I just found my list as I was going through some old papers...

In no particular order:

silky nightwear
George Thorogood
hot cocoa with whipped cream
violets
gray kittens
reading
blogging
irises
tilips
veal cordon bleu
Billy Joel
jazz
sky blue
stationary
fountain pens
RPGs
swimming
Keanu Reeves
coffee
chocolate truffles
movies
snow
Sting
Magnum P.I.
Benny Goodman

There were a few items I self-edited, since most of the employees are under 18...

Firemen in kilts!

I'm Deep

Hijacked from Pixy...

Linear A (Greece, 1800 B.C.E.)
You are LINEAR A. You look like you really, really
should make sense, but you don't. Is that a
frog? A chair? A prehistoric astronaut? Nobody
knows, because no one can decipher you. Deep.
Which Indecipherable Script Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Comment Party!

The Cheesemistress has left an unattended blog...you know what to do!

Kids Karnival

Since I posted a baby picture last time, I think this week I'll post a picture of kids...my dad's three lovely sisters:

Here they are a little older:

And here a few years ago:

Interesting what a difference 70 years or so can make, isn't it?

Weekend Warrior

This is so cool....

Thanks, Pixy!

Captions, anyone?

I love this photo of my newest niece, and what the heck, entering it in the Karnival Of Kidz doesn't preclude captions, does it?

I had to break out my push-up bra...

This week's Alliance Precision Guided Humor Assignment is to determine what new weapons the military will be deploying in the War on Terror. This is a tough one, since almost all of the new weapons under consideration are still classified. However, I used my womanly wiles to good effect (spectator pumps--bird colonels find 'em irresistible!) and learned that the next new anti-terrorist weapon to come down the pipe is expected to be

Just call me the S.E.E.E.R.D.*

One of the reasons I enjoy reading Eric of Classical Values is his impatience with all the silly trappings of the politically correct. This post on more ego-massaging titles for jobs (think "sanitation engineer") made me realize how out of step we are in my workplace. "Concessions Clerk"? "Cashier"? How belittling to the employees staff humans who wait on assist enhance the movie-going experience of other humans! (Wait; is "human" one of those bad words because it has "man" in it?)

In order to avoid crushing the delicate spirits of the persons who enhance the movie-going experience of other persons (uh, "person" has the word "son" in it...dang! it's tough being PC!), new titles for the jobs revenue-generating activities must be found!

Now, Director of First Impressions would work great if it weren't already taken. Besides, that would be the Cashier, which would make the Clerks Directors of Second Impressions and we can't have that! It clearly indicates a hierarchy (shudder!). Hmmm....

Clerk:

♦ Popcorn Delivery Engineer
♦ Beverage Conveyance Specialist
♦ Transaction Technician
♦ Refreshment Consultant
♦ Snack Offerings Expert

Cashier:

♦ Entertainment Choice Coordinator
♦ Ticketing Professional
♦ Monetary Inflow Authority
♦ Director of Admissions
♦ Voucher Delivery Practitioner

Ok now what about the Assistant Manager? Can't have her thinking she's not as important as the manager, right?

♦ Patron Advocate
♦ Activity Flow Specialist
♦ Productivity Châtelaine
♦ Customer Experience Enhancement Professional
♦ Mediation Artist

Ok, I know you're dying to take a crack at this! You may offer any suggestions you have in the comments. Meanwhile, I have to get ready to Coordinate Activity Flow and Supervise Ticketing and Refreshment Specialists....

*Supervisor of Enhanced Entertainment Experience and Refreshment Delivery

My Resume

OBJECTIVE
I am seeking a position which offers maximum remuneration for minimal effort.

QUALIFICATIONS
I am bad tempered, acerbic-witted and persnickety. My weaknesses include punctuality, attention to detail and foresight.

WORK HISTORY
2002-2005
Manager, Dollar Movies
I was hired in as Manager because I was willing to work long hours for minimal pay and no benefits, despite the fact I knew absolutely nothing about the theater business. After 2 years I could probably open my own, having learned to be projectionist, cashier, concessions clerk, and pacifier of teenage angst, as well as a long list of “what not to do” from observing the strategy and behavior of the theater’s owner. I have become expert in how to deal with utilities being turned off, payroll checks bouncing, equipment failure and roof leaks. Duct tape is my friend.

1996-2002
Store Manager, Video Store
Starting as a part-time clerk , I worked my way up to the manager of the West location, which position I held from January 1999 to October 2002, when I threw my store keys at the owner’s bitch of a wife and walked out. Responsibilities included hiring, scheduling, customer service, nagging employees to keep their uniform shirts tucked in, not killing the owner's bitch of a wife and trouble-shooting.

EDUCATION
Fairly worthless BA in English
Slightly less worthless MS in Management

Color me.....

Thanks to the Cheesemistress

You scored as Turqoise. You are turquoise! You tend to be a little bit different than the common, and your originality makes you beautiful! Turqoise 88% Blood Red 88% Carrot Orange 88% Hot Pink 75% Royal Violet 75% Lime Green 63% Jet Black 50% Pure White 50% Gloomy Grey 50% Bright Yellow 38% Which Crayon Color Are Youu?? created with QuizFarm.com

Stolen Gnome

That would be Fred.

Ooh! I forgot I was supposed to encourage my readers to "borrow" Fred in an attempt to make him the most world-traveled gnome in history. (No word yet as to whether he will attempt to steal your underpants).

Harvey<Nick<Chuck.

I guess I listen to too much George Thorogood

Found at Tammi's who caught it from Contagion

Self-Discovery

Thanks to the lovely and vivacious Cheesemistress, I now know that

Your Opinion, Please!

I could have used a herring

Thanks to Jim I had hours of fun here. To wit:

or

If Munu were a movie

Pixy would have to be played by Bill Pullman....

Can't tell which is which, can you?

Does this make me a Quizling?

It's the dreaded blogger's block again. I'm ready to blog, but no topic is floating my boat. Even the Cheesemistress didn't have any quizzes I could crib. Dang! However, I managed to find a fairly uninteresting one on my own....

Your Element Is Air

You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world. And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly. Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life. You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful. You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person. With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that!

Boring! And not really me, anyway. How about this one?

Aphrodite/Eros

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Or here's another:

They got the ardent pacifist part wrong, though....

Just for Harvey...

I don't resolve to not post naked pictures of myself...

I can see your house from up here!

The bull's eye is actually on my workplace, the infamous dollar movie theater. You can see the strip mall to the south and east of us.

Thanks to the ever-inquistive Harvey for the pointer...

I guess that explains why I can't sleep

Via the Cheesemistress, whence all good quizzes come:

You are a double espresso at three AM.

You are the tortured, nail-biting essence of
coffee. You see visions. You could change the
world if only you were up at the same time
everyone else. You have created a programming
language that throws errors if the code is not
written in iambic pentameter, and you are
infuriated by the typos in the new edition of
Ulysses. You practice sarcasm as a
form of tantric sex, and your cats have
doctorates. You believe in virgin sacrifice in
a good cause.

What kind of coffee are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Dear Santa,

I know I haven't written to you in along time, but I've been kind of busy, what with work and school and everything. How is Mrs. Claus doing? I hope she wasn't taking Vioxx for her arthritis. I also hope Blitzen's ear infection is all cleared up--it must be difficult steering the sleigh when one of the reindeer is having equilibrium problems.

Well, down to business! As usual, I would like this year's "Holiday Barbie" and I need a new "Mystery Date" because the one you brought me in 1969 has finally worn out. (Poindexter was the only date left anyway!).

Since I don't want to be greedy, because there are a lot more good girls in the world than just me, any three of the following list will do fine in addition to the above:

The Complete Works of Hunter S. Thompson

World Peace

A snub nosed .38 (blue finish if possible)

A pale pink satin negligee with spaghetti straps and Brandenburg lace trim

10 pounds of M&Ms

"Aladdin" on DVD (full screen is ok)

A diamond tennis bracelet

This year I will be leaving you bran muffins instead of cookies, since I'm worried about your cholesterol. I hope you like skim milk. Also, the neighbors have a new Doberman--just thought you'd want to know that.

Your Friend,

Susie

Par-tay!

Unattended blog post here....

Don't blame me...Kin started it!

My daddy always tells me, if you don't have anything nice to say, take a quiz and post the results...

Via the Cheesemistress...

You are a cardinal! You love to try & get others
into trouble, even if you have to make up
lies...NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!

What Monty Python Sketch Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

No, no, it's too perilous!

Ditto

Which Monty Python & the Holy Grail Character are you REALLY?
brought to you by Quizilla

Better never than late

Now that the election is tomorrow I have, of course, found a couple of bumper stickers I like:

and (with apologies to Jen)

Oh, well...the extra weight probably would've made my bumper fall off...

When the Moon is in the 7^th House

John Kerry thinks we should conduct a more sensitive War on Terror. We at the Alliance want to help him out. Here are a few suggestions on how this could be accomplished:

Sensitivity Training. It's obvious that terrorists are just misguided on the proper way to behave in an enlightened society. A few seminars will help them to realize that they are

basically good-willed persons who through lack of experience or training engage in behaviors that often result in negative and seriously damaging consequences.

Group Hug. It's difficult to have a really satisfying hug with a bomb strapped to your chest, so leave it at home (just make sure it's on a high shelf so the kids can't reach it!).

Identify the "root causes" of terrorism. The poor terrorists probably didn't get enough hugs when they were growing up! (See above).

Wear a tee-shirt! Everyone knows that political staments are just more effective when worn on a tee-shirt. Bumper stickers are so last year!

Those are just a few ideas to help us wage a More Sensitive War on Terror. Some of them are even highly nuanced as well! I'm sure these will fit right in with the rest of John Kerry's platform. He has a P.L.A.N.*

*Pretty Large Aristocratic Nose

Epiphany

Tonight at work I suddenly realized what John Kerry's droopy face reminds me of:

Politics as usual

I'm planning on watching the debate tomorrow, but I really don't expect to find it very entertaining--they never ask the really important questions, like:

Who picked out your tie?
Is that your real hair?
How many cavities did you have at your last dental checkup?

The Alliance thinks there are a lot of vital issues that are going to be overlooked come debate night, too, and asks for help coming up with some questions:What question would you ask at the Presidential debates?

For Senator Kerry: What on earth made you think that anyone in their right mind would believe it was a good idea for you to remind people that you were so vehemently opposed to the war in Vietnam that you threw someone's decorations over the White House wall, wrote a book about American war crimes, and sat down with the commies in Paris, by bringing up your military service at every opportunity? And why won't you sign the release to have your records made public?

For President Bush: Why are you running on your record of the last four years rather than focusing on what you supposedly did 30 years ago? This is patently unfair, given that the Senator doesn't have much of a record to run on from his time in the Senate. Don't you feel ashamed to have such an advantage? Why do you keep focusing on the present and the future, rather than the distant past? Is it because you're the Anti-Christ?

So, I wonder if either of these questions will ever be asked of the candidates....

Even chickens aren't safe....

There once was a blogger named Glenn
Who had a most terrible yen
He drank with great gusto--
yes, blood, if you must know--
and quaffed it straight out of a hen!

This limerick composed at the behest of the Alliance. No actual poultry was harmed in the composition of this poem.

You can be a millionaire and never pay taxes

Thanks to the thoughtfulness of my brother PK, I offer this link for all those who've been having computer problems lately (although I think Harvey must have already seen it....)

Conspiracy!!!!!!

In keeping with the high journalistic standards of CBS "News," I present the following report from _^a_^ highly reliable sources who have has spoken* to the persons who saw the documents at the time they it were was written....

Moore mad about Bush

Michael Moore's highly anticipated follow up to Fahrenheit 911 will delve further into the underhanded methods of George W. Bush and his political party. The film is expected to reveal an ongoing, subliminal advertising campaign implemented by Bush and The Republicans.

Moore will cleverly point out the subtle, yet devious and clever, alternate spelling technique of the following brand names:

BUSCH Gardens Adventure Parks
BUSCH Vacuum Pumps and Systems
BUSCH Beer

Less subtle is the brazen spelling of the popular BUSH brand of baked beans, which is eaten by millions of picnic-going Americans each year, including young, impressionable children.

As clear evidence of this Republican advertising conspiracy, Moore will feature clips of at least 7 U.S. citizens who, within mere months of engaging in contact with one or more of the influential brands, are captured on-tape displaying a RE-ELECT BUSH 2004 bumper sticker on their family vehicle.

Moore's manipulative talents in the editing room will be sure to add fervor to this politically charged film, and the film's nationwide theatrical release is expected to help further promote Michael Moore's madcap political beliefs.

This report, by an anonymous but unimpeachable source, was definitely not composed in Microsoft Word nor was it delivered via email--that you know of. What I know is my own business, and I'll thank you to remember that!

*meaning, of course, that while conversations have taken place, there is no reason to assume that an actual conversation about this document ever has or ever will take place....

And now for something completely different...

Harvey wants a picture of what we wear while blogging.

Told you I blog in my nightie....

Happy Birthday, Divine Mr. O!!!!

Harvey Olson, bad boy of the blogosphere and proprietor of the aptly named Bad Example, has made a request for his birthday...

Happy Birthday, Harv!!!

I started it!

Credit me with being a woman ahead of her time.....
November 23, 2003:

Yes, I'm usually wearing my nightie when I blog.

Evil Glenn's Bad Day Out

It was a dark and stormy night. Just the kind of weather that Evil Glenn enjoyed being abroad and up to mischief. As he rose from his coffin that evening, however, the Puppy Blender sensed that something was amiss...

Methodically he checked the castle for signs of intruders (such as Harvey or that pesky GEBIV and his blogless brother). Collection of Ronco antique blenders? Safe. Hobo-wacking devices? Unmolested. Vast and growing collection of Penguin Porn? Undisturbed.

Yet a feeling of wrongness nagged him. As he slid behind the wheel of his newest acquisition, the Batmobile, Glenn decided that he was going to have to consult Madam Zorka, the Gypsy fortune teller he kept on retainer....

....dissolve.....

"Your movie has lost its distribution deal with Disney...." Madam Zorka intoned....

No Salsa for Tacos!

What do those pesky protesters really want? That's the question the Alliance is asking this week, and by golly, I'm gonna answer it even if I have to make stuff up!

To begin with, all the protesters are asking for is to be loved. Really. Is that so much to ask? Well, that and a little attention. Love and attention, that's all. And maybe a a little bondage. Love, attention, bondage and the triumph of world communism--is that really so bad?

Seriuosly--you want to grow up to be just like this, don't you? I knew it.

Sliders!

The PGH Assignment this week is to discover Kerry's secret plan for Iraq. That's easy! He's planning to build a lot of these so he can sell a lot of this.....

It's all about the Benjamins, folks.....

I forgot to eat extra garlic....

I've been behind on my Alliance assignments lately. I've been busy, ok? But I did manage to use my day off yesterday to sneak over to Evil Glenn's house.

The back door was open, so I took my courage in both hands and snuck in....

But as soon as I saw this I ran like heck!

Maybe the other Alliance members did better.....

Idle hands and the silliness of exhaustion

Because I am feeling devilish today, I replied to the Netflix guy using Mr. Greens's second suggestion, to wit:

Dear Mr. Dick:

The post office has informed us that your address is incorrect. They are not sure how your mail has been finding you all these years, but from now on your official address is: 37.1 Woodway Rd, #B-4.99. Please make a note of it.

Your copy of "Pet Cementary: New Paradigms in Taxidermy" is delayed due to Dutch Elm Disease. It will ship as soon as a cure is found.

Most Sincerely,

P. Penumbra Publishers

I'll let you know if I hear back from him.

Can you tell I'm tired beyond the point of silliness?

Harvey of Bad Money Example has outlined a twelve step program to better blogging. Go read it. NOW!

Oh, here's an excerpt:

foreign writing

[Harv says to keep the quotes short] ;)

Handy Hint #532

Stealing Ted's Thunder

I've been busy today working on a super-secret project! After hours of hard work designing our uniforms, the Hot Jets are ready to cheer on the Rocket Jones Rockets....

Guess which one I am?

(Yes, the correct answer is "none of the above")

Go, Team!!!!

Fair and Balanced

This week's Assignment from the Alliance is to come up with a bumper sticker slogan that will add "balance" to the silly "Bush Lied, People Died" which one sees on the cars of the misguided. A few suggestions:

I get my news from CBS (Communist Broadcasting System).

I'm a moron--deal with it!

I left my brain in San Francisco....

I voted for Gore... and all I got was this lousy tinfoil hat!

You can leave your suggestions in the comments here or at HQ, or post your own on your blog....

Moviemaking at its finest...or not

This week's Alliance Assignment is to discover information about Evil Glenn's forthcoming Documentary. Well, since I have connections in the movie biz, I was able to obtain and download the rough cut. I give you Fahrenheit 666!

This is what I get for over-thinking my responses....

Since today I'll be spending 13 hours or so in the Technology Free Zone™, here's the result of a quiz I found via the Pixyfather:

You are an SEDF--Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you an evil genius. You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting.

Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable.

You are not to be messed with. You may explode.

I resemble that analysis! Although, I should probably take this quiz again when I'm not PMSing....

Moore Homework

The Alliance wants to know how the Fat One will meet his maker....well, Monty Python already showed us in their movie The Meaning of Life. Here's a poorly photoshopped screen shot....

Next stop, Pain....

Via the lovely and delightful Johnny-Oh

I think I'll try to find an exit ramp before I get to Dumpsville....

Like shooting fish is a barrel

The Alliance wants to know what Michael Moore's theme song is...Too easy!
(sing along, everybody, to the tune of Michael Jackson's "Bad")

Fat
Wierd Al Yankovic
(Greatest Hits Volume 1)

Your butt is wide, well mine is too
Just watch your mouth or i'll sit on you
The word is out, better treat me right
'cause i'm the king of cellulite
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right

My zippers bust, my buckles break
I'm too much man for you to take
The pavement cracks when i fall down
I've got more chins than chinatown

Well, i've never used a phone booth
And i've never seen my toes
When i'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows

Because i'm fat, i'm fat, come on
(fat, fat, really really fat)
You know i'm fat, i'm fat, you know it
(fat, fat, really really fat)
You know i'm fat, i'm fat, come on you know
(fat, fat, really really fat)
Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout
Just now tell me once again who's fat

When i walk out to get my mail
It measures on the richter scale
Down at the beach i'm a lucky man
I'm the only one who gets a tan
If i have one more pie a la mode
I'm gonna need my own zip code

When you're only having seconds
I'm having twenty-thirds
When i go to get my shoes shined
I gotta take their word

Because i'm fat, i'm fat, sha mone
(fat, fat, really really fat)
You know i'm fat, i'm fat, you know it
(fat, fat, really really fat)

Here's a visual (no actual photos of Michael Moore were involved in the making of this Dfilm, so it's been deemed lunch-safe).

Yet Another Alliance Assignment

Through nefarious means I've obtained a copy of the Puppyblender's application to Faceparty

<----- Begin Profile Questionnaire----->

About Evil Glenn:

Age / Gender -516/male
Country - Transylv USA
Quick Description - Undead bloodsucker
Location - At my computer
Star Sign - Barbra Steisand--Sold Out!
Sexuality - You betcha!
Profession - Bloodsucker Lawyer
Marital Status - not germane to the issue
Perfect Partner - Catherine the Great--I still miss her!
My Interests - puppy blending, blood drinking, Harvey-taunting
Makes Me Happy - Blogosphere Domination Mu ha ha ha!
Makes Me Sad - puppies and kittens (unblended)
Cigarettes - Lucky Strike
Alcohol - I don't drink...alcohol
Drugs - I prefer my victims alert
Bad Habits - none

In My Own Words (a general personal statement - anything you want to say) - I rule the Blogosphere and that puny Alliance won't stop me!

Vital Statistics...

Ethnic Origin - Transylvan Eastern European
Hair - black
Eyes - black
Height - 5' 6"
Waist - 24"
Weight - 86
Body Type - regenerative
Body Hair - optional

My Favorite...

Food - puppies!
Music - Disco
TV Show - Mayberry RFD
Author - Bram Stoker
Movie - Roger & Me
Night Club / Bar - mace/crow
Animal - puppy!
Person - me!
Website - instapundit.com
Place - Transy my coffin
Thing - new Waring Blender tied up with red ribbon

Final Thoughts...

You can choose to answer one (or more) of the following questions:

If I were a millionaire...
If you pay me enough...
In a perfect world...
From now on...
My best day...
My dream date...
My eternal dilemma...
My funniest moment...
My mom always says... Finish your peasant before you climb into your coffin!
My pet hate...
My worst day...
The meaning of life...
This week's plan...

<----- End Profile Questionnaire----->

A quiz?!? I haven't studied!

Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

Maybe I should have said "yes" when asked if I harbour whales....

Hoisted from Harvey

Terrorist Olympic Events

That's this week's Alliance Assignment. I took time away from my busy day off (homework mostly--blech!) to outline a few of the events in the track and field venue...

Mens 4x100m relay: a live grenade is passed instead of a baton. The team that makes it to the second hundred meters wins.

Shot Put: a ball of C-4 is used. Merriment ensues.

Long Jump: whoever jumps the farthest before their shoe bomb goes off wins the gold.

50 yard blindfolded hostage dash: For entertainment purposes only.

All medals are awarded posthumously.

Call me Beatrice

Well, my day off flew by, and my work week starts again in less than 12 hours. There is a reason they call the summer "the grind" in the theater biz....

Everybody's taking the Dante's Inferno test again (which I took over a year ago and scored Purgatory, but was on bogsplot at the time and couldn't post pics) so I will, too...

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

I think they've changed the questions since I last took it, though--I had to lie on a couple of 'em....

Evil Glenn's T Shirt Babe

Really, it's obvious:

Better Late Than Never...

Yes, my homework is late again! It's because, uh--the cat ate it! Yes, that's it.
Anyway, to help CNN with their next "unbiased" poll, I present an unbiased poll:

Scraping the bottom again...

Alliance Assignment: What would Evil Glenn name his children?

Boy: Biff Hobowacker

Girl: Sanguine Ichor

Ok, I spent all my blogging time judging. Maybe the Alliance needs a bonfire for bad assignments....

I wish I were as funny as LeeAnn

Well, I was going to do this week's Alliance assignment, but I'm drawing a blank. So instead I thought I'd try this trick I found at Mandarin Designs.

It's actually Harvey's fault I used this picture, since in the assignment he said

Anyway, it seems that some imprisoned terrorists were "humiliated" by prison guards, by being dragged around on leashes and forced to run around naked in handcuffs.

THAT'S not humiliation. That's just a normal night at my house.

So, the only thing I could think of to humiliate anybody was to send them to Middle School with a bad haircut and a Spongebob Squarepants lunchbox, but I think that's specifically banned by the Geneva Convention as cruel and unusual punishment....

Hopefully I'll do better on the next assignment...

Some times I feel like a need a lame excuse for my assignment, even when it's on time...

I have it on excellent authority that the FedEx package delivered to Evil Glenn contained one of these...

I suspect he's going to try to infiltrate the Alliance again...

Clap if you hate Michael Moore

Although there seem to be a few brain-damaged folks who take Michael Moore's distortions, delusions and fabrications as gospel, most of us recognize him for the prevaricating provocateur that he really is. That's why The Alliance wants to make a "documentary" about him, and needs all the "facts" we can supply.

Here is my contribution:

Contrary to popular opinion, Michael Moore is not the result of a eugenics experiment gone wrong. He is actually the result of a crossbreeding experiment gone wrong....

Play along! Either add your "facts" in the comments here or at the Alliance, or post at your own blog with a link to the assignment post....

Evil Glenn's Test Post

WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN AROUND as long as I have, nothing surprises you any more. Well, the Black Death took a greater toll than I'd expected, but it didn't really surprise me--just made it a little harder to find peasants to grind puppies for me.

- Glenn Reynolds 3:01 AM

BLOGGING software works. Will delete these entries. Indeed.

- Glenn Reynolds 3:03 AM

[This week's Alliance Assignment is courtesy of the Wayback Machine]

More inane billities

Bills says

Once I was attacked by a roving gang of goats while I was sitting on a bench innocently eating a hotdog.

Charity bemoans at bloviation

The much-beloved eschewed maligned Bill Cimino of Bloviating Inanities (formerly the Reverend Bill of the much-missed Church of Inanities) has finally settled on a goal for his life: he wants 10k hits by the end of the month. This is so he can reach his even larger goal of 100k on the site meter.

Since the Church is no more, your visits can no longer be considered tax deductible, but stopping by there will still be an act of charity....or maybe it's a corporal work of mercy (visiting the sick)...either way, you'll get your minimum daily requirement of nothing.

And nothing's as important as something in the blogosphere!

Laughing myself sick

A Sing-a-long, courtesy of GEBIV of There's One, Only!

(To the tune of ‘He’s a Lumberjack’ by Monty Python)

He’s a Liberal and he’s OK
He taxes at night and spends all day

He hugs the trees,
He eats his lunch.
He went to Vietnam;
He spent his wife’s money
And then he had Botox.

He’s a Liberal and he’s OK
He taxes at night and spends all day

He hugs the trees
He skips and jumps
He likes to press wild flowers
He supports gay marriage
And performs them in bars

He’s a Liberal and he’s OK
He taxes at night and spends all day

He hugs the trees
He wears Ray Bans,
Gucci and Armani.
If he runs out of money,
He’ll marry Donald Trump.

A sign I've been hanging around with Harvey too much....

This week, The Alliance wants me to caption this picture.

Thought bubble: "I should have used two socks...."

A new toy I didn't find at LeeAnn's...

From Ghost of a Flea via Eric, the Star Estimator compares me to Juliette Binoche and Judy Garland. Hmmm....

Scandal!

These days, its seems like the network news isn't "news" anymore because it's something the blogosphere has already reported, analyzed and commented upon. Take the UN oil-for-food program--bloggers were on it long before ABC. It's getting so that when I tune in the evening news I think, "Is this a rerun?"

Here are some startling revelations found in Iraqi documents that you won't see on the nightly news (yet):

Martin Sheen acted as a covert go-between for the Iraqi Information Minister and Oliver Stone during the filming of JFK. Muhammad Saeed al-Sahaf secretly held the position of fact-checker for the movie.

In August, 1996, Saddam Hussein and the Clinton administration secretly negotiated to change the Oil For Food program into the Oil For Pizza program, but talks fell through when Madeline Albright learned that pepperoni was not one of the toppings under consideration.

Shortly thereafter, the US had to exercise its UN veto to stop a French initiative called the Oil For Pate program.

Stay tunned for further developments....

The Wind Rider Challenge: Put up or shut up!

Well, I am still considering Wind Rider's demand that I post a picture of myself that is not disqualified by the "Lake Effect Rule". Unfortunately, I don't have any from the current century on my computer, and my POS digital camera is not flattering. (Yes, I am woman--I refuse to post any picture of myself that is not flattering!)

I do, however, have a "recent" (i.e. within the last decade) photo that is somewhat flattering and still bears a vague resemblence to my current appearance (and would be even closer were I in the habit of wasting my money on Lady Clairol). So, here's the deal: Anyone who donates at least five dollars to the cause via John of Argghhh!'s link and emails me their confirmation information (gevkaffeegal-at-att-dot-net) will be eligible to recieve their own private photo of Susie via email.

Any takers?

Tofu and sandals and love beads, oh my!

This week's Alliance assignment is to come up with a tagline for Air America.

Air America: Because we never have any original ideas of our own

Air America! Because Bush lied (about something, we're sure of it!!!!)

Air America--Earth First! Fire Bush! Water...hmm....

Air America--we're on the radio because we look like idiots...

Junior Wiz?

Well, I think just about everybody now knows how Glenn Reynolds spent April Fool's Day--Shame on you, Glenn! Sneaking into the nursery and pretending to be Kevin's baby! Oh, the humanity!

Current Assignment

Today's Alliance Assignment

Your Precision Guided Humor Assignment this week lets you channel your inner hippy to answer the question:

What benefits could America receive by appeasing the terrorists?

6. No need to worry about the gay marriage thing--all homosexuals will be stoned.
5. All the litigation re: "In God We Trust" will go away--since all money will say "In Allah We Trust"
4. The Amish = "Dangerous Radicals"
3. Jerry Falwell will be the new Eldridge Cleaver
2. Death penalty for Fashion Statements

And the number one benefit from caving to terrorists:

1. Finally, no more jokes about women drivers!

Another Alliance Assignment

Not everyone is aware of it, but Evil Glenn is actually something of an athlete (some of those hobos can be pretty difficult to capture for whacking). Because of his celebrity, he does have to adopt a disguise occasionally, as was the case recently when he took off a few days from blogging to compete in the Sioux City, Iowa Tour de Farce...View image

Another Alliance Assignment

Evil Glenn's St. Paddy's Day was rather typical--he drank some green puppy shakes, whacked a few hobos, and took the day off...rumor has it he's heading to Antarctica to restock his supply of penguin porn...

Yo! Listen up!

Toga party at Bill's blog. Come on over to laugh and point! Oh, and be sure to read my contribution....

Cashews or Pecans?

This week's Alliance assignment is to discover the real reason France refused to authorize force in response to Sadaam's non-compliance with the U.N. resolution 1441.

The answer is simple--they didn't like the number 1441. That was the year that Flemish painter Jan van Ecyk died, which reminded them of the fact that Flanders and England had France in a "nutcracker" for much of the Hundred Years War, which brought to mind all sorts of unpleasant images pertaining to "nuts" being "cracked."

And you know how Frenchmen are about their nuts....

Idle blogs are the devil's playthings...

The comment party is still going strong over at the Bartender's, but it's getting a little crowded and crazy over there, so I went looking for another place to defile unwind and found unattended posts here and here.

Harvey! Matt! Bring the beer kegs here, I've got the pretzels and Reddi-Wip!
Bill! Windrider! Party in Paul's comments!

Alliance Assignment

Respond to the Venezuelan's assertion that "The US only went into Iraq because of the oil. They're going to take all of the oil, and sell it to fund their global imperialism."

How can we argue with the truth? Our evil government has been planning to corner the world's olive oil market ever since the Godfather Trilogy showed them what a nifty profit can be made from Extra Virgin. Once Iraq is pacified, Italy, Spain and Greece are next....

Fire up the way-back machine, Sherman...

Here's an old joke puzzle from my college English major days. A community theater was doing seven Shakespearean plays for its season, and wanted to list them all on the marquee. Unfortunately, there wasn't room for all the play titles, until someone came up with the following abbreviations:

Can you decipher which plays the theater will be performing?

(answers in the extended entry)

UPDATE: So far, Harvey is the only one who gets the joke. So you must all think like a pervert Harvey, and the answers will make sense. Remember that each single word (or abbreviation) represents the title of a Shakespeare play, and think about which play title could be indicated by, for example, the shorthand of "three inches".

A Midsummer Night's Dream/The Twelfth Night
All's Well that Ends Well/Love's Labor's Lost
Much Ado About Nothing/As You Like It/ The Taming of the Shrew

UPDATE: Let me write the answers this way, maybe it will clarify it:

Marriage= All's Well That Ends Well
Miscarriage= Love's Labor's Lost
3 inches= Much Ado About Nothing
6 inches= As You Like It
9 inches= The Taming of the Shrew
Wet= A Midsummer's Night Dream
Dry= The Twelfth Night

Curse you Evelyn Woods...

Up until I started typing this I had 777 entries here on my MT blog. Just thought that was cool.

Anyway, I sort of took the weekend off from blogging and did other stuff like watch movies and visit with my family. But now it's (my) Sunday night, and the work week looms ahead like Andre the Giant standing over Wallace Shawn in The Princess Bride...

This week's Alliance assignment is to design a new logo for the Instapundit...unfortunately, I read it too fast and thought it said lego....

I knew it all along!!!!

Fun new toy I found via Tom:

Here's mine:

George W. Bush caused the Cubs to lose to the Marlins in Game 7 of the National League Championship Series so that oil companies and gun owners could oppress welfare recipients.

Alliance Assignment: Other Uses for Terrorists

Despite being an eeeeviiiilll Republican, I am all for recycling. So why waste a perfectly good terrorist when there are so many useful ways they could contribute to society?

Cosmetics tester--instead of using bunnies to find out if the latest shampoo makes your hair fall out, or a new mascara formula causes blindness, let's test new products on terrorists! Most of them have a lot of hair anyway, and we'd feel safer knowing that the breakthrough new dipilatory had successfully removed the leg hair of Al Queda operatives with minimal scarring and only moderate (after much adjusting of the formula) discomfort.

Food taster--wondering if that potato salad you left out in the sun all afternoon is still edible? Worried that those burgers are just a little too pink? Unsure if the contents of that bowl in the back of the fridge is cottage cheese or spaghetti? Use your own personal terrorist to test it! Comes with a year's supply of syrup of ipacac and kaopectate...

Decoy pizza delivery driver--reduce robberies of real pizza delivery drivers by over 50%!

Be creative, folks! Leave your ideas in the comments....

Pearls among the prairie oysters

Many people have commented over at Frank's that they didn't find the top ten lists funny. I think they were suffering from over-expectations. Every one of the lists had at least one item that made me laugh out loud.

Top Ten six Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004 (slightly edited by Susie)

6. Liberals come out with a new whistle that is just a recording of a liberal
whining. It somehow attracts ducks, platypi, and unfortunate young
businessmen by the name of Henry.

5. During a press conference Kerry will rip off his face revealing that he is really Skeletor.

4. Attempt to reanimate Jimmy Carter.

3. After Howard Dean lost the Wisconsin Democratic Primary and dropped out of the race, a small but vocal group of his followers refused to give up hope. Calling themselves the “YEARRRGGGGH! Party”, and known popularly as the “Scream-ites”, this gaggle of gruel-brained nugget-heads attempted to create a “Draft Dean” movement. Sadly – well, sadly for THEM, anyway – at the start of their first meeting, when they all simultaneously inhaled in preparation for their trademark insane howl, the resulting sudden decrease in air pressure caused the building to implode, killing all inside.

2. Combine an Atkins diet with a vegan diet and then just starve to death.

1. Senator Hillary Clinton will throw a stomping fit on the floor of the Senate. Quote: “No you can’t! No you can’t! No you can’t! I’LL HOLD MY BREATH!” - Emergency personnel, having learned their lesson the first time, immediately go on strike.

Be honest. You laughed at some of those, didn't you?

Sing a Song of Sick Gents

In the never-ending quest to avoid doing my homework, I'm going to tackle the latest Alliance assignment.

In an attempt to corrupt our nation's young and innocent, Evil Glenn has re-written all of the classic Nursery Rhymes of our childhood. Hiding behind the comforting figure of Uncle Goose, his volume of children's tales includes such travesties as the following:

Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
His wife could eat no lean,
And so betwixt the two of them
They licked the blender clean.

Peke porridge hot,
Peke porridge cold,
Peke porridge in a pot,
Nine days old.

Evil Glenn, Evil Glenn, where have you been?
I've been to London to visit the Queen.
Evil Glenn, Evil Glenn, what did you there?
I left all my penguin porn under her chair.

Hobo be nimble,
Hobo be quick,
Hobo get whacked
with a candlestick.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many puppies, she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth,
Without any bread,
Blended them soundly, and ate in bed.

You don't want to see the illustrations....

I only hedged a little, honest....

Better late than really late...

My cat coughed up a hairball, which prevented me from finishing my latest Alliance assignment, Evil Glenn's movie remakes. However, here is a partial list of some of the classic movies he plans to "update":

The Maltese Puppy
Some Like it Blended
12 Angry Hobos
Raiders of the Lost Disco
To Kill a Chihuahua
Puppy Soup
Citizen Kanine

The horror! I can't go on....

Fun for the Select Few

The Alliance asks the question "What will the dead terrorists get instead of Paradise and 72 virgins?"

The answer may surprise you:

View image

Double Whammy

Al Queda has it tough these days. It's getting harder for them to find quality help, especially since the good ones have been blown up. Let's help them, and ourselves, at the same time with this ad:

Tired of the same old Halliburton lies? Outraged that Bush stole the election? Heartbroken that Kucinich didn't make it to the Final Four? Look no further!
For fun in the sun with like-minded believers, call 1-888-xxx-5555 and ask for Osama.

Two birds with one stone...am I good or what?

Safety in numbers

Sir John of Argghhhh!!! has started a pre10tious twat twit webring, which I have proudly joined! I'll be getting the logo up soon, but you'll find the webring link at the very bottom of the sidebar...

Lies, Damn Lies, and Links

Well, I have four of the six required pages done on my paper, and I need a break. I'm really not used to so much thinking, since I am a pretentious twat...

However, I have an Alliance "assignment" due tomorrow, which seems like the perfect way to unwind from all that sexual harassment , so here goes:

Evil Glenn, as we all know, spends his days huddled over his keyboard surfing the internet for penguin porn juicy tidbits to which he links and adds his trademark bon mots. But what sites does he have bookmarked, returning again and again to enjoy in secret? At great risk to life and limb I have discovered

Evil Glenn's top 10 favorite websites

10. Arthur Murray.com
9. The waring blender page at Williams-Sonoma
8. Barbie.com
7. The Bow Tie Club
6. Bad Money
4. Chaco sandals and Hanes tube sox (tie)
3. Hobo links
2. IMAO

And Evil Glenn #1 all-time favorite website:

1. This one.

Troll welcoming ceremonies

The latest Alliance assignment is to offer suggestions on how to make comment trolls feel more at home.

Well, first off, Harv immediately corrected its grammar and spelling, always a sure ice breaker!

Next, I considered posting its IP address (which is 24.243.216.132) in case anyone wanted to track it to its lair, but was prevented at the time by more important business--yes, it was time to change the cat box.

Of course, many people would ban the IP and delete the comment, but where's the fun in that? It's so much more satisfying to respond in kind:

Gee, "kafka," sorry to hear about the apple getting lodged in your back...were you surprised that your family is afraid of you and lobs fruit in your direction?

Of course, "kafka" probably will not understand the literary reference, but that makes it the more fun for us...

So, always reply courteously to comment trolls--it encourages them to continue the discussion with even sillier remarks as they get angrier and angrier at their inability to rile you...ignoring them just makes them scamper back into the muck from whence they came...

Fun with stereotypes

Ah, the French! What a wonderful people! First they try every possible way to sabotage the liberation of Iraq, and now that the tough part is mostly over, they want to play too.

Well, sure! The more the merrier! I've got a few ideas of jobs the French can do to help us in Iraq....

--latrine cleaner (after all, they won't notice the smell)
--wine steward (only for strict Muslim restaurants)
--hospitality manager (serving only UN delegates)
--taxi driver (Bagdhad to Tikrit route)
--stand up comic (exclusively for non-French speaking people)

I'm sure there are lots more things for the French to do to help, but I have to go do my homework now....

Sad. So Sad.

Evil Glenn was a precocious child. Even at age three he was already designing prototype puppy blending devices.

Political Uncorrectness

Please note: The following is intended for humorous purposes only, and not to be construed as criticism of a great man. It is rather an indictment of political correctness, and an attempt to annoy the idiots who think that booing the President as he honors Dr. King accomplishes anything other than undermining their own cause.*

Happy Martin Luther Burger King Whopper Jr. Day 2004!

Today, with every Whopper Jr. purchase, receive your choice of one of three new candy delights! Choose from Milk-Chocolate "Peeps," Dark-Chocolate "Homies", or wafer-filled White-Chocolate "Crackers." Subsidized by working taxpayers, this new candy is designed for discriminating tastes, and the whole gang will think they’re a riot. Each flava is just dreamy, so go ahead and give 'em a shot! It'll be like having your very own Holiday for no real reason at all !
-- anonymous

*this disclaimer provided for the humor-impaired

Late entries and lame excuses

Being ill and now one step closer to the grave (thanks, Josh, for pointing that out in the comments) I have been neglecting my Alliance duties. My bad. So here is an attempt to play catch-up:

Lame excuse: I sat down at my computer to blog my ideas for better anti-war slogans, but before I could even log on to the internet the doorbell rang. In my head-cold-induced fogged-and-clogged mental state, I mistook the sound for the kitchen timer, and spent ten minutes trying to figure out what had finished cooking. By the time I realized that I hadn't been cooking anything, I had forgotten what exactly I had intended blogging about. Seeing everyone else's at HQ reminded me....

Better anti-war slogans:

In an effort to assist those less fortunate than ourselves (e.g. hippies, war-protesters, and Hollywood liberals) here are some simple, catchy and, most importantly, easily remembered anti-war slogans for future use...

Save the Baathists! (win valuable prizes...)

Hell no! We don't know! We don't think, either!

Ok, maybe they're not the best...but I've been sick...

Assignment part 2

Evil Glenn's bedroom

You can tell a lot about a man by what he keeps close to him. Evil Glenn is no exception. And while at first glance it seems admirable that he has a shelf full of books next to his bed, a closer look reveals the truth. Who would keep 500 copies of this? A hobo-killing, puppy-blending, robot-dancing, Frank J.-punching vampire, that's who.

Assignment part 3

War on Terror side benefits

While some may say that no good deed goes unpunished, others may find that some unintended consequences can be beneficial. Take, for example, the following side benefits of the War on Terror:

More Americans now know the correct spelling of "weasel".

Playing card sales have skyrocketed.

Just about everything we do now makes the EU "nervous." Cool!

Curious Glenn goes to the Zoo--a Filthy Lie

This just in off the AP* news wire

--Memphis police reported the arrest of a renown law professor for breaking and entering, indecent exposure and cruelty to animals. The alleged perpetrator was arrested at 2 am in the llama exhibit at the Memphis Zoo. No explanation yet as to why police found a video camera, a leather mask and eight pounds of Godiva chocolate in the vicinity of the nude suspect.

*Absurd Pretenses

A Penance Proposal...

The Axis of Weasels seems to have started making noises as if they want on America's good side again. But we Catholics know that forgiveness requires penance. And although it would be satisfying to make Chirac walk to Washington barefoot in the snow and be scourged at the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, there are other possibilities....

France: To show their sincere repentance, all French persons must simultaneously strip naked and shout "Frank J rules! Buy his tee-shirt!"

Germany: All Germans must buy Frank J's tee-shirt.

Martin Sheen: Must call a press conference and, wearing a pink tutu and Spock ears shout "I'm a little tea pot! Whee!"

Michael Moore: Must supply original source documentation in the form of foot notes to every word in every book he's written. All copies currently in circulation will be recalled as defective (or labeled "Fictional" in large red letters).

Jimmy Carter: Must publicly admit that he was the worst President of the 20th century and give back his Nobel Peace Prize.

Barbra Streisand: Must convert her cliff top mansion to a homeless shelter.

George Clooney: Must become my scantily-clad sex slave and keep his opinions about politics to himself.

Susan Sarandon: Must legally change her first name to "Noodle" so as to cease bringing shame and dishonor to an otherwise fabulous name...

There you have it. And once they have all completed their penance, they must write "I'm sorry I'm an idiot" in blue permanent marker on their foreheads...

Evil Glenn's Puppy Happy New Year...a filthy lie

It was about 11:45 on Wednesday night when I had turned off all the breakers and was ready to head home from the theater. I'd only worked about a six hour shift, but since it was my first day back after being sick I was looking forward to a cup of hot tea and my comfy bed...

Every night as I leave I give each of the four front entry doors a good yank to make sure that they're properly latched. The last door came open. It must not have slammed properly after the last customer. I pushed it tightly closed, and then gave it another yank--and it opened again. Sassenfrassenrassen Cashier! She must have forgotten to lock this one with the little bent wrench thingee we use to lock the doors! Sigh....so much for getting home in time to see the ball drop in Time's Square!

Back inside with me, digging for my keys to unlock the Ticket Booth, where we keep the little bent wrench thingee we use to lock the doors. There was enough light shining in from the deserted parking lot to see what I was doing, so I didn't have to go back into the darkened hallway to the breaker box and turn on the lights. I unlocked the Ticket Booth and went inside. I sat down on the Cashier's chair and pulled open the drawer where we keep the little bent wrench thingee.

The night noises of the theater were very familiar to me. There is the crunchity grating noise that the ice maker makes. There is the occasional gasping hiss from the CO2 lines. There is the steady drip of water from the leaking roof over the concessions counter. A few times there was the unrelenting roaring from the possessed toilets...
I had not, however, previously heard the faint, high-pitched squeak that startled me into dropping the little bent wrench thingee back into the drawer....

I looked up to see long, claw-like fingernails sliding slowing across the glass front window of the Ticket Booth. Half a second ago there had been no one anywhere near the theater. Now there was black-clad figure standing a few inches away from me, only the window separating us. I was too frightened to scream, although I did I gasp in horror--which caused me to go into a coughing fit. I rummaged though my pockets for a tissue, and found one just as I hacked up [deleted: colorful yet disgusting description of viscous bodily fluids common in cold sufferers]. As the spasms subsided, I looked up to see the dark figure patiently waiting, the claw-like nails tapping a rhythmic tattoo on the glass. Unsure of what else to do, I leaned forward to the "speaker" and asked "Can I help you?"

"May I help you," the figure responded in a raspy baritone.

"No--I'll be ok, it's just this cold," I replied. "What can I do for you?"

"What may I do for you," he said.

O-kay...he was correcting my grammar. Got it now. "How may I help you?" I asked.

He nodded abruptly, as if satisfied. "One ticket, please," he said.

Huh. "I'm sorry...we're closed," I managed.

He paused reflectively before responding, "Can I use your phone?"

Naw...too easy. "I'm sorry, I can't let you do that. There's a pay phone across the street," I said.

"I'm really thirsty--can you let me have some water?" he persisted.

"We're closed, I'm sorry," I told him.

"Look, I need to use the men's room. Won't take me a minute..."

I was shaking my head in refusal when the New Year's fireworks started to go off. Startled, the man jerked suddenly just as the headlights of a passing car lit his visage for the first time... It was Evil Glenn!!!!

"You! The Puppy Blender!" I cried out. "You're a vampire and you're trying to get me to invite you in!"

"It seemed the easiest way..." he murmured.

I reached into the drawer for the little bent wrench thingee. "Drat you, Glenn Reynolds!" I muttered as I headed over to the unlocked door. He glided along on the other side of the glass, watching my every move as I used the little bent wrench thingee to lock the last door, and then returned it to the drawer in the Ticket Booth.

"Shoo! Go on! Go home!" I told him through the glass. "You're done here!"

"Planning on spending the night there?" he wondered. "Doesn't look very comfortable..."

"Nope! I'm heading home to hot tea and a comfy bed, so get lost!"

He chuckled evilly. "As soon as you step outside, you know, you're fair game..."

I chuckled evilly back. "I've got a cold. I've spent the last three days drinking homemade garlic soup...."

Late but not forgotten

I missed the deadline for the Alliance Assignment on finding ways to make Saddam talk, but I've been sick....and I was actually going to write this post when I got home from work last night, but the need for a nap was more pressing than posting.

Although I am doing better, I am by no means well; I just hope I am not contagious because I wouldn't wish this bug on my worst enemy--not even Saddam Hussein!

In fact, that probably would have been an excellent way to make him give it all up. Had he seen me on Monday, all the Allies would need do is threaten to let me sneeze on him and he'd be spilling every bean he had! Biological weaponry--immoral, but effective...

On my way out the door, but...

I have to share this, which I found via Discount Blogger

Iowahawk on Why I am a Democrat.

A choice example:

I am a Democrat because I believe in the environment and conservation. For instance, we must raise the price of gasoline, like they do in Europe, to increase conservation. If we don't, there will soon be a big gas shortage, and this will mean higher gasoline prices for you and me.

Go read the rest after you have swallowed all beverages....

UPDATE: I got the impression from the comments left that folks aren't clicking through to read the whole post, so let me add another excerpt:

I am a Democrat because I fervently believe in tolerance. Tolerance is critical in our diverse society, and if you have a problem with that, mister, then I will inform the authorities and I bet that after a few hours in their "special room" you too will agree that tolerance is critical.

I hope that helped clarify that it's satire....if not, here's one more:

I am a Democrat because I believe in the rule of law. Or, at least, lawyers. Because hey, according to my attorney, I could have been on the Number 7 bus when it crashed yesterday. As far as you know.

Now go read the whole thing....

Irony 101

Thanks to Jaboobie I can listen to my favorite radio ads over and over!!

Yes, the world's worst beer has the world's best commercials, and you can hear them all here.

I have to go listen to Mr. Tiny Thong Bikini Wearer again...

Just dessert

What Kind of Cookie Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

via (who else?) LeeAnn

Fruitcake Follies

Thanks to the Gray Monk I found Holiday Eating Tips from Cynical Cyn. Now this is advice I can take to heart! For example:

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

Read the rest here...

Just my speed about now....

Thanks, Pixy!

From the email-jokes file....

Why Men Are Just Happier People:

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45
minutes.

So next time you wonder why the woman in your life is grumpy, review this list....

Helping the Democrats

with Campaign Slogans... (although these are all so obvious I'm surprised they haven't thought of them themselves....)

Joe Lieberman: "It's not his fault he's a Joo..."
Dick Gephardt: "Our country needs a Dick like this."
John Kerry: "F*ck yes, he was in f*cking Vietnam! So f*cking vote for him!"
Carol Mosley Braun: "She's a woman. Honest."
Wesley Clark: "He may have been in the military, but he never really liked it."
Dennis Kucinich:"It's time we had a Crap Weasel in office..."
Al Sharpton:"He's taking us to the party!!!!"
Howard Dean:""Al Gore loves me! He really loves me!"
John Edwards:"No, he didn't used to host a game show."

And least but last, Hilary Clinton:"She's a woman (we think...)".

A little known filthy lie fact

Back in the day, when he first started blogging, the Puppy Blender allowed comments on his blog. Then came the comment that changed him forever, a response to this post...

u r such a windbag u gassbag u make me sick the way u go on an on the hole time about shut u dont no nothin about anyways whoo cares what u think u just yammer n yammmer mister no-itall

Appalled and embarrassed that anyone with such poor grammatical skills was actually reading his blog, and desperate to conceal the fact, he disabled comments on all future posts....which, oddly enough, became much shorter and to the point....

Attempted pongage

Hmmm... whom do I owe? Daniel? The Barkeep? Those ought to be sufficient for my experiment.....

#1

Well, this experiment is not going to work, because it thinks the pings didn't go through, when they actually did!

Sorry guys--you're getting pongged after all!!!

#2

Curious--Daniel was pongged, The Barkeep wasn't!!! (the trackbacks are still showing as not having gone through, so there is no way I can manually prevent them--let's see what happens on the next attempt....)

A hush falls over the crowd

#3

Failure!!!!!! Pongs everywhere!!!! Drat and double drat!!!!

Ah hah! A ping went through!!! Let's see if it pongs......

Yes, it pongged.... Now I will click previous pings sent, and it shouldn't send another trackback (although it's too late for Daniel and the Barkeep...Muh ha ha ha.....)

Experiments have proved conclusively that installation of the Anti-pong is 100% as effective as not having installed it!!!

Science is hard.

Okay, rumor has it the problem is sol-ved.... We'll see....

If I ran the UN....

there are several resolutions I would force through.

The first and most paramount would be the requirement that all male delegates wear a kilt to the General Assembly. (Togas may be worn in lieu of kilts for extra special votes).

I would also realign the "regional groupings," taking The U.S., Canada, Turkey and Australia out of the "Western European" grouping. Then I would appoint mapchic to teach the U.N. some geography....

I would also kick Cuba and China and Saudi Arabia off the Human Rights Kommission until their governments could say "Human" and "Rights" together without giggling uncontrollably.

Oh, and any country with the words "Democratic People's Republic of" in its name would be nuked given a time out to consider the inaccuracy of their nomenclature...

Except for the mustache....

Thanks to LeeAnn (still the queen of cool quizzes):

Which John Cusack Are You?

Make Google our Friend

Miserable Failure

An Englishman's Castle <--- Blackfive

Update: From Nathan via Ith we have a competing Miserable Failure!

Now what's going on here?

Seems the boys at BigStick are playing with their blog decor....can't say I like the new look, fellas....the blue is much prettier....

If I were a South Park character....

Created here, thanks to Blown Fuse.

Evil Glenn's Thanksgiving

The Puppy Blender, despite his evil ways, celebrates Thanksgiving just like any other American. Of course, his menu varies slightly.....

Appetizer
Pate de puppy on toast points
Kitty Kavier
Ham(ster) stuffed Mushroom caps

Soup
Chow Chowder

Entree
Individual Pupkithams

Salad
Tossed Iceberg Lettuce with Chipmunk Croutons

Dessert
Cheesecake with Strained Poodle Sauce
Peekapoo Pie

Genetics 101

Yes, Harvey has revealed my dark secret:

Susie's mom

I inherited my large fonts from my mother...

Words to Live By

How weird am I?

From Jimmy, who I found via Serenity, comes this quiz result:

Of all the weird test takers:

33% are more weird,
9% are just as weird, and
58% are more normal than you!

There you have it, folks-- I'm weirder than most.

Google Bomb

General Douchebaggery

Bartender<---Harvey<---Tom

Kind of like playing telephone, only different

Over at Patriot Paradox Nick has a challenge--he has started a story, and wants the rest of us in the blogosphere to continue it.

The challenge: Take the paragraph to your blog, linking to my post and the first paragraph, of course, and expand on it. Then someone will link to your post and mine and continue on, a paragraph at a time, to see what shape the story takes. Here goes:

It was a dark and stormy night. Having just finished the newspaper, Jake walks back to his desk and takes a seat behind it. He turns to look out the window. Lightning dances across the horizon, and lights up his dark room. Then, at the door he hears a knock. He turns to face the door.

Ok, now this is what I've added:

The knock is repeated, more firmly this time. "Dad!" his teenaged daughter calls. "I know you're in there! "
Jake sighs. He has a pretty good idea what it is that Belinda wants to talk about...

Okey dokey--somebody write the next paragraph, and trackback to me and Nick.

UPDATE: Graumagus has the next part of the story

Another UPDATE: Loverzan has more

Alliance Assignment

A Personal Ad for Glenn Reynolds....

Hmmm......

WMPB* seeks SYT** for companionship, long walks and occasional hobo smacking ho ho snacking. Must have own hammer sense of humor. Durable blender Animal lover a plus. Contact Box 666 999.

*White Male Puppy Blender
**Sexy Young Thing

UN Motto

I hate those weenies at the UN. Honest to Pete--they put Cuba on their Human Rights Commission! (And that bastion of Compassion, Freedom, and Unqualified Love for All, Iraq--back in the good old days when Sadaam Hussein was in charge, of course--has been on the Commission, too). Maybe it's just to be fair to the violators--you know, make sure somebody is representing the interests of genocidal maniacs so they get a fair shake. But I think it's pretty stupid to let the lunatics run the asylum...which sounds like a great motto:

The UN: We Prefer To Let The Lunatics Run the Asylum, So We Don't Have To

That was fun! Let's try a few more....

The UN--more irrelevent every day
The UN: Where biting the hand that feeds us is an art form.
The UN! It's All About Appearance (Substance Can Go Jump!)
The UN--we've never heard a wacky theory we didn't embrace...

Now you try....

Thanks again to LeeAnn

Jane Austen wrote you. You are extremely aware of
the power of a single word.

Which Author's Fiction are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Susie's Interview

Well, I just sent my interview answers off to Jennifer. Boy, you folks missed a great opportunity here! So let me help...

Questions not asked in Jennifer's Interview which I will now answer:

Do you prefer stamped or counted cross stitch?
Definately counted, although I prefer 14 count aida.
How often do you eat broccoli?
About once a week
If you had to choose between running with scissors and playing with a sharp stick that has the potential to poke your eye out, which would you pick?
I'm a running with scissors kind of girl. Sharp sticks are just too dangerous.
Paper or plastic?
This is a tough call. On the one hand paper can be recycled. On the other hand, so can plastic. Give me some of each.
Who do you think will win the Democratic Primary?
Who cares?
How often do you floss?
Dental care is a very important issue with me.
If you were stranded on a deserted island with Barbara Streisand, would you kill her or yourself?
Great question! As a Catholic, suicide is the one unforgivable sin. However, rather than commit the sin of murder, I would prefer to attempt to use reasoning and logic to convince her of the stupidity and hypocricy of her political postions. If that didn't work, for the good of humankind I'd bash her with a coconut.
What's your favorite cut of meat?
Although I enjoy pork chops, I'm going to have to go with filet mignon.

There you have it folks! I hope you enjoyed this edition of "Things Not Asked in Jennifer's Interview with Susie." Tune in again tomorrow for "Things No One Has Asked Susie in General".

An Ode to Glenn Reynolds

'Tis seldom that mere mortal man,
enrobed in blurple ermine
does drink as often as he can
a cup of blended vermin.

Nay! rather puppies doth he blend
to sate his evil cravings
and hobos bring to bloody end
with epithets and ravings.

Lo, he comes, the Instaman
with linkage foul, yet treasured--
to robot dance when e'er he can...
true evilness, unmeasured.

*purr*

Thanks to Pixy I found out:

You are a tabby cat. The total home-body. You'd be
content just to stay at home all day and not
get up from the couch. You lazy sloth! Try and
make a movement every now and then, or someone
might decide to bury you in the back yard!


What color of cat are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Alliance assignment

On Halloween, unlike most Americans, Evil Glenn does not put on a Halloween costume but rather leaves off his usual disguise. It's the one day of the year that he can appear as himself without causing mayhem and general panic.

Here he is (in the extended entry so as not to terrify witless my younger or more sensative readers):

Continue at your own risk!

Life Lessons from Ted Kennedy

Any criminal act can be hushed up or forgiven as long as you are a liberal.....

Drinks at Willie's

I saw this quiz at LeeAnn's and my answer was water so I didn't post it. Then I read at Munuviana that the Bartender was collecting our answers, so I did the quiz again and cheated refined my answers....

Sweet and fruity, you drink to have fun and love every minute of it!

Congratulations!! You're a strawberry daquiri!!


What Drink Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Everyone Hates Michael Moore

It seems that the Left's Darling of Dumb has been snubbed! Yes, snubbed by Academy of the Looney Left voters!

In a stunning upset, this year's Annual Ted Kennedy Looney Left Hipocracy Award was NOT presented to frontrunner and odds-on favorite, Michael Moore. Instead, Kennedy claimed the Award for himself yet again.

"It's fictitious!" Moore snarled, as he waddled out of the International House of Pancakes restraurant on Martha's Vineyard, where the Awards Ceremony has been held annually since 1970. "I'm a bigger hipocrite than Teddy and Joe Sr. put together!" Loudly blowing his nose into a red checkered bandana, Moore declined further comment before being greased and inserted into his limo by eight teamsters.

Let's hope he has better luck with next week's America's Lard-Tubs Chubby Boys' Regatta and Clam Bake Awards, hosted this year by Ted Kennedy.....

Susie good...mostly

Conversely:

Thanks to John of Argghhh!!! via Misha

Heh.

The latest Alliance assignment is to help Evil Glenn with a tagline for his site.

I think he should use his own words as his tagline:

"... there's more to the blogosphere than InstaPundit, you know."

Indeed.

Yay! It's Friday (for me)

Well, I was going to complete my Alliance assignment and post a question for Jacques Chirac if I had the floor at a press conference, but I can't think of one other than asking him if he was born with his head up his ass, or was it done surgically, and which country did he have to go to for the procedure? Since I'm sure this is a question he has to field at every press conference, I don't think it will count....

Anyway, Pixy Misa has posted his pictures from the Anime Convention, Bill brings us up to date on the Family Reunion, and I still haven't gotten the Silent Running thong that Windrider promised me for winning his contest....

The Duality of Evil

or, Evil Glenn in this case. Alliance members have noticed there seem to be two decidedly different sides to the Puppy Blender, and it seems that perhaps he is aware of it after all, as indicated by this tatoo he has on his inner thigh....

50 things about my car...

Thanks to Jim for suggesting it in the comments!

1. 1988 Mercury Tracer
2. 2 door hatch-back
3. blue
4. no red racing stripe
5. no air conditioning :(
6. new battery
7. bad boots?
8. almost time for my 5th free Midas muffler
9. odometer still hasn't hit 100k yet (though most people assume it has--the sillies)
10. am/fm stereo (woo hoo!)
11. no CD or tape player
12. second engine (first was destroyed in a tragic catalytic convertor disintegration circa 1994 on I-80/94).
13. gets gasoline every two weeks whether it needs it or not.
14. the ashtray is conveniently located in mid dash, not somewhere near the floor.
15. gets an oil change every six months or 500 miles, although the six months usually comes first.

UPDATE: Susie's car

Ok, so I owe you 35 things....

UPDATE #2: Jim has finished my list for me!
Now I could be all petty and point out that he calls me "Penumbra" instead of "Susie", but maybe he didn't think he knew me well enough for the first-name basis thing (though if that were the case you would think he'd call me Ms. Penumbra). However, my car is extremely flattered he took the time to do it, although she tells me there is NO truth whatsoever to #15.....)

Sing along, won't you?

A new assignment from HQ!
Music to whack terrorists by: No question, "Bodies" by Drowning Pool
(let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor.....)

Yes, Daniel?

Gosh, Daniel really seems to want to win that Silent Running thong! So, how long have you been wearing ladies' undergarments, Dan? I think everyone needs to go vote for him, and maybe we can persuade him to model it for us when he wins.....

Literary Lies

Well, I have been exceedingly remiss in completing my most recent assignment from Harvey. I would plead pressing Alliance business, but the Membership Director is a real biotch and I don't want to get on her bad side, so here goes:

New super-secret stealth technology available only to movie theater managers has revealed that Evil Puppy-Blending Hobo-Worshiping Robot-Dancing Frank-Punching White Glenn spends hours every day reading and re-reading of one of the classic children's stories, The Pokey Little Puppy. Apparently the slow ones are easier to catch.....

50 things you'll probably wish you didn't know about Susie

Since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery blah blah blah

a. I manage a movie theater.
b. Before that I managed a video store.
c. I love movies.
d. I love to read, particularly mysteries and historical romances.
e. I double majored in History and English, but could only get my degree in one so I picked English.
f. My favorite classes were English History and the History of English.
g. I'm a cat person.
h. My cat's real name is Midnight, but I address him as "Your Majesty".
i. I'm single-never-been-married.
j. I'd rather be married so there would be somebody to kill spiders for me.
k. I am the eldest of 7 siblings.
l. My parents were married for 5 years before they had me.
m. I have 4 younger sisters and 2 younger brothers. They've all been married.
n. I have 5 nieces and 3 nephews, 2 step nieces and 1 step nephew; none of them are yet married.
o. My Dad was the youngest of 6; he was the only surviving boy, and the only one to have children.
p. My Mom was the youngest of 14, only 3 of whom were boys.
q. My Mom's Grandfather, who fought for the Confederacy in the Civil War, survived Pickett's charge and named my Grandfather after his commander, General Garnett.
r. My Dad's maternal Great Grandfather was born in Alsace-Lorraine and fought for the Union in the Civil War.
s. Neither of them ever fought in any of the same battles.
t. They are the only War Veterans in my family tree.
u. My Dad's Grandfather was born in Germany and fled to the U.S. to avoid the Franco-Prussian War.
v.My Dad's other Grandfather was born in East Prussia and fled to the U.S. to avoid the Franco-Prussian War.
w. The women in my Dad's family tree seemed to marry a lot of immigrants.
x. Both my paternal grandparents grew up bilingual.
y. My maternal Grandmother died in childbirth when my mom was 2. Her dad never remarried.
z. He was a farmer. My mom can kill chickens and shoot deer.
aa. I've never done either of those things.
bb. I was born in Illinois.
cc. My youngest brother was born in Wisconsin.
dd. We've lived in Indiana for 30 years.
ee. All my younger sisters are going gray.
ff. I'm not.
gg. Did I mention that I have no children?
hh. My parents met in Rohoboth Beach, Delaware.
ii. Dad was in the army, and mom was waitressing in Ocean City, MD.
jj. Dad's not a War Veteran because he was stationed in Germany during the Korean War.
kk.He was with the Army Corps of Engineers and was their company clerk; Radar O'Reilly is his favorite character on M*A*S*H.
ll. I have a lot of hobbies; a few of them are: needlepoint, crochet, oil painting, geneology, and baking.
mm. I don't have time to do any of them anymore.
nn. I have Panic Disorder.
oo. I used to be agoraphobic, but medicine fixed it.
pp. I'm studying for my Masters of Science in Management.
qq. I wish I would win the lottery.
rr. Someday I'll have to think about actually buying tickets.
ss. I think Frank is the funniest writer in the Blogosphere.
tt. Harvey is a close second.
uu. Someday I'd like to buy Pixy Misa lunch.
vv. My Aunt Marie was a nun. I look quite a lot like her, but not as much as my sister Mary does. Here's a picture of her: This is a picture I replaced the picture of my aunt with because some sleeze on a music forum was hot linking to her picture with a really disgusting nickname.

ww.This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
xx. I don't know how Jen managed 100.

Ooooh, Scary, kids!

I recently learned that, like me, fellow Alliance member White Glenn is a Billy Idol fan. But I was shocked to find out that his other personality, the Puppy Blender, sings a particular Billy Idol song when firing up the cuisinart...yes, you guessed it: Flesh for Fantasy....

Not for Coulrophobics....

One of my sisters with her two daughters.....

View image

I succumbed.....

to Dfilm....
But, you have to have seen Pixy's and Jennifer's to truly enjoy...

Cruisin'

(and it's all thanks to Tiger who seems a little peeved with Frank....)